Check out your horoscope.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Your birthday this week will result in another boring and poorly attended party.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Your mind is ablaze with new ideas, primarily on how to extinguish yourself.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): There’s something brewing in your love life in the form of a nice Scottish ale.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): Next week will seem like Thanksgiving in February, thanks to a hostile family confrontation involving a steak knife and shotgun.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): Turn that frown upside down! This weekend’s stroke, however, will make that difficult.
CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): You keep insisting your love life is nobody’s business but your own, but the nice people in the lab coats are only trying to protect the pandas.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Skin irritation and allergies will continue to plague you as long as you continue to associate gloves and bleach with a romantic Saturday night.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Everything starts somewhere. Despite your best explanation, the enraged wild boar couldn’t have just “come out of nowhere.”
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): You may be completely infatuated with someone today. Just remember that’s how your most recent restraining order got started.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): You’ll learn from experience that it’s not always a good idea to ask people what’s wrong.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): Though you were under the impression everyone loves a good Jew joke, you’ll discover there is a nation that does not.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): Your heart is in the right place next week, but it will be the only one of your vital organs that is.
Madam Sarah/Rockford Register Star