Like so many folks these days, I finally got my chance to spend some time in jail. Upon arrival, a couple burly gentlemen in starched white shirts calmly observed my check-in. I could sense that despite with their polite demeanor, it’d be best just to nod and offer a quiet “hello?” I did just that. Luckily I didn’t have to stay long? Like every other perp, I mumbled, “I’m innocent”. No one’s proven me guilty (so far!) of any crime.
 The “booking” was an abbreviated process in a well-lit foyer (Not pronounced, “foyea” here). Surprisingly, the staff was more polite than some hotels I’ve been booked into? I didn’t lodge any protest during this procedure. I spied a distinguished looking gentleman sportin’ a well-cut dark suit. Didn’t look like a lawyer, and appeared overdressed for this joint.
 Then he (and two of them burly fellers) escorted me and several unsavory lookin’ fellow detainees through a large gate. Couldn’t call it a door really, just some sturdy lookin’ bars shaped like a door? I didn’t feel any better as it smoothly slid shut behind us (without the “Clang!” I’d expected). I sensed it locking real tight as it clicked shut behind me (suppressing a shiver).
 I found out by eavesdropping (already adept at the jailhouse grapevine?) the “suit” was the warden of the jail. Oops, meant to say "correctional facility". They don’t like the old (perfectly suitable) word “jail” ‘round here. Maybe nowadays he might be “correctional facility administrator”?
 He started in with an orientation spiel, but I listened somewhat distractedly? I mean the “door” behind us had closed (tight!) the door ahead hadn’t opened. We’re all locked in (!) an area smaller than my bathroom (claustrophobia, anyone?). This happened everywhere we went! Strainin’ to peer over the heads of my fellow pilgrims, I could see a long hallway ahead. Second door opens..., (breathe).
 Bare walls bright with fresh “institutional beige” paint (to psychologically calm us, I figured?). Hard tiled floors in a geometrical design (I was longin’ fer carpeting already). Reminded me of other institutions I’ve been committed to (hospitals, not asylums). Bright lighting overhead offsets the few (barred And frosted) windows. Found out later they’re all “shatterproof”. A different suit cheerfully mentioned a con with 45 minutes and a tool (they hand them out?) might bore a fist-size hole in the glass.
 I offered no comment, didn’t want to draw unwarranted attention to myself. As my hard time progressed, I closely inspected more of the place. I concluded you could hardly glimpse nature anywhere? Even in the “outdoor” exercise areas, nothing but sky was visible. Just one place! Looking up over the two story walls through the chain link fence they’d installed as roofing, a few distant tree tops waved.
 As my “tour” continued I made mental note of all the cameras perched high up along the walls. Even had those funny little round plastic ones like Walmart (from Walmart?). After (finally) getting through the little “lock down” entryway we took to strolling leisurely up an’ down hallways. Peerin’ gingerly into various cells, feelin’ the steel beds, admirin’ the metal commodes, etc.
 The “suit” knowledgeably pointing out the sundry high points offered to inmates. The medium hotel-size kitchen, complete with all new, high quality, stainless steel equipment. Inmates with skills (and time) who behaved well, will work here preparing inexpensive, nutritious meals. Not sure how? I didn’t see a single knife or meat cleaver.
 My eyes were glazing over as I observed much of the rest of the facility. Exercise areas, least four of ‘em! Gotta build strong, healthy cons, right? Separate ones for females. We’re told they’re a rapidly growing “segment” of folks checkin’ in here (to rest up between crimes). Multiple computerized, televised, securitized control rooms. All politely staffed by sturdy lookin’ folks (not sure why, but they’re barred in too?).
 During the tour a great deal of emphasis was placed on (the saving of) taxpayer dollars! (guilt over the $16+ million spent so far?). The building incorporates every energy-saving feature available. Inmates maintain “commissary accounts” where they’re charged for nearly everything they use? Nice.
 Ok, so my “sentence” was only a  “media tour” at the new county prison. They let us out before sundown.
But I believe I was the only “inmate” prepared to make an escape? No guards carried guns. I’d spied one lone door (facing the woods) held ajar by a tiny sliver of wood! Wayne County’s brand new, ultramodern “facility” (jail) wasn’t “airtight” after all!
 I Don’t Know About You..., this one visit was incentive enough to keep me honest?

Cal Teeple, founder of the Observational Cogitation Consortium, is often found three stools down from you. He may be ignored, accosted or contacted at: twinews@wayneindependent.com OR on the new website at: wayneindependent.com.