“Every 16 minutes, someone in the U.S. dies by suicide. Every 17 minutes, someone is left to make sense of it.” — American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
The following is the true story of a local family, still healing from the loss of a loved one who committed suicide. Their names have been changed to protect their privacy.
“It was a shock, but not totally a shock to me,” said Mrs. Dove, when she learned her ex-husband had taken his own life. “He was depressed...I didn’t think he could do anything like that.”
She remembers the phone calls that day: his employer trying to find him and the police entering the search. Her daughter’s worried question: “What’s happened to dad?” And finally, the police calling back.
“I just remember driving home. I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, what am I going to tell my kids? After everything had happened, what I wanted to stress to the children is: they were not involved. This was not their fault. This was not my fault ...He made that choice ...It’s nothing they did,” Mrs. Dove said.
Her daughter’s eyes well with tears when she talks about her dad, and working through the pain of loss. “I guess when I first heard it, I thought: This is not real. I’m in a dream. This couldn’t happen to me ...I cried a lot. That got me through. Just cry until you can’t,” she said.
“My denial was ...I’d have dreams of him still being around,” says his son. Having family and extended family around helped him cope.
“You just lean on people when you need to,” Mrs. Dove said.
Warning signs
“There was always things that he would say. ‘Oh, I’m not going to be here very long,’”his daughter said. They figured he meant, he was going to move away.
“In hindsight ... it all kind of fits together, things that he was doing,” Mrs. Dove said.
“He was a recovering alcoholic ... going through AA,” his son said, having accompanied his dad to several meetings.
“I think he suffered for a while, and he just never really got the help that he needed,” said Mrs. Dove.
“I guess you tend to blame yourself. But, you did not do the thing to the person. They did it to themselves. Sometimes, you tend to blame yourself, (asking) what could I have done differently?”Mrs. Dove said.
“There’s really no one to blame. It’s just something that shows, not a good choice, because it hurts people,” his daughter says. “If this happens to you ...You are not the only person. You’re not the only person whose family member has done this, or someone they love. And there are people you can talk to. It feels good to talk to someone.”
“Life is worth living”
Sharing a very personal part of their lives, all three agree that their dad/ex husband will never be forgotten. “We do talk about him all the time. And they’re getting into his music,” says Mrs. Dove. The kids find themselves listening to Pink Floyd, their dad’s favorite. “He liked The Wall a lot, the whole album,” his son says.
“I listen to it all the time. Whenever I listen to it, I find myself listening to music and remembering him. A lot of music does that,” she says.
Listening to her children, Mrs. Dove says, “It was a difficult thing, but you do survive. And life is really good and it’s worth living.”
“Life is worth living. If you’re depressed, you really need to get some kind of help. Talk to people,” his daughter said.
“If you’re feeling depressed, if you’re feeling upset about something, talk to somebody. Get help. I think that’s the main thing. There’s lots of help out there,” said Mrs. Dove.
“I hope that somebody who reads this, if they’re even contemplating doing something like that will just go get help,” Mrs. Dove said.
“Don’t think about yourself. Think about the people around you, how that’s going to affect them,” her son says.
Think about what you’ll miss in life, says Mrs. Dove.
11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day
“Ninety percent of the individuals who attempt suicide or are thinking actively about suicide have been diagnosed with depression or a substance abuse disorder. Very often, it’s a combination of both,” says Carol Wilson, Wayne County MH/ County Suicide Prevention Task Force.
Saturday, November 21st marks the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s 11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day.
Wayne Memorial Hospital is a host site this Saturday for the organization’s free, 90-minute webinar, which gets underway at 1 p.m. (registration opens at 12 noon). Through survivor testimony and mental health professionals, the webinar will address questions that survivor’s face: “Why did this happen? How can I cope? Where can I find support?”
Following the webinar, people will have a choice of attending one of two workshops: General Suicide Awareness or Suicide and Veterans.
The entire program runs from 12 to 3:30 p.m.
Health Works
In a recent Health Works broadcast on Sunny 105 and 95.3 DNH, Wayne Memorial Hospital’s Donna Decker spoke with Carol Wilson and Michelle Valinski, Wayne County Suicide Prevention Task Force.
Community Health Educator with Wayne Memorial Hospital, Decker said, “Thirty to forty-nine year-olds are the ones with the highest suicide rate ...That’s really our working population.”
Statistics show, in Pennsylvania alone, there are 28 suicide attempts every day.
When it comes to older adults, Wilson says, “They are, by age groupings, the highest risk group.”
Sometimes, an older person who appears “crotchety or difficult” is dealing with depression. “It’s very common when there’s a medical illness: cancer diagnosis, stroke, heart disease, for there to be a secondary depression that develops,” Wilson said. “Also, their peers are aging, going into nursing homes or dying. They are less likely to have the social outlets that they had prior and they become more socially isolated, and therefore depressed.”
Children and adolescents are not exempt. “It’s the third leading cause of death between the ages of 15 and 24, so this is another very high risk group. Adolescents are typically struggling to figure out who they are, what their identity is. That struggle often leads to depression and leads to feelings of worthlessness and ultimately a suicide attempt,” Wilson said.
Wilson urges, “Anybody who is having thoughts of suicide, reach out and start engaging in some type of counseling, either mental health counseling or drug or alcohol counseling ...Be evaluated by a psychiatrist or your medical doctor for the potential of medication management. That sometimes helps.”
