If it’s taken ya more than 20 seconds to answer the question, (with only your own conscience) influencing you? Take a break, Obviously, you’re guilty of..., something? Further contemplatin' isn’t gonna assuage your mind (or exonerate your crimes).
Apparently, stealin’ is something you do, have done, (will do?). Hopefully, not while you’re reading this column (or perhaps after?). Nonetheless, you’ve pronounced your own guilt. I’m not interested in the details of your crime(s).
However, it’d be polite (If you’re currently involved) if you moved away from the rest of us. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Remember, this is a rural, small town area! So when you git caught, it’ll be in the newspaper. Then you’re gonna tergiversate! And that’ll embarrass your mother (and the rest of us!).
Me? I don’t steal much. In fact it’s been oh..., 40 years and more since I last purloined anything.
I figure most of my readers don’t either? It’s a well-known fact that newspaper readers are inherently more honest than their less well-informed fellow citizens (ok, I made that up). Undoubtedly some of you have? If only on a double-dog dare.
Like most everyone in our modern (equivocating) society, I don’t take full responsibility for my early forays into villainy? I blame it on an older buddy, who had a car. Having a car meant he (we) could go “cruising”. That meant we had unlimited possibilities to “pick up girls”! But there was a catch (better a “catch” than to get “caught”?).
The “catch” was, one had to have gas for the car. And gas cost money (‘bout 24 cents a gallon back then). Money was always in short supply. And every teenager knows, what little money one has is better spent on movies, burgers and the aforementioned girls.
So my older buddy often spent “time” suckin’ on a syphon hose instead of spending “cash” for gas. He also had a simple philosophy. If you ride, you (help) supply gas. So in the dark of night, I learned about syphon hoses and unlocked gas caps.
I trust you’ll understand why (like all criminals) I don’t take full responsibility for my villainy? After all, I Was led astray by an older, more villainous individual. Equivalent to havin’ a broken home, father who beats ya, poor school attendance, (bad hair) etc. etc., right?!
Lucky for me, we never got caught.
Our (short-lived) crime-spree ended the night my father casually inquired how we, “... could we run the roads, night after night, with no visible means of support...?” (none of us had a job). That innocent (?) observation shocked us back to our senses. Being teenagers we'd never expected an adult (smart enough) to be watchin’ us? Not surprisingly, it “scared us straight”!
Some years earlier there had been a (minor) crime spree at the local dry goods, general store. Ice cream sandwiches, candy bar and cup cake stocks were being depleted much faster than the nickels and dimes were jinglin’ into the big brass cash register. Old man Perry, the stern old proprietor, took due notice of this shortage in cash receipts (surprising us boys).
Why he’d focused in on a small cadre of preteens was a complete mystery (to our small group of preteens). Mighta been ‘cuz six or eight of us young fellers would drop in most afternoons, mill around for ten minutes, then exit empty-handed? Sometimes one of us would actually purchase a snack (we were smooth operators).
Eventually his suspicions coalesced and he (must have) made a few inquiring phone calls? One hot summer afternoon he casually locked the front door to the store (while we were casually millin’ around in back). Then he lined us up and proceeded to conduct a search of our entire group!
By strange coincidence several mothers and one (out of work?) father “just happened” to drop in at the store, same time he completed those searches.
Me? I was found empty-handed and empty-pocketed (Whew! my day to act as “lookout”). But to this day, I still suffer the guilt of my crimes.
Why have I led you down this road of infamy? Because crime is rampant, even in our rural area!
On several occasions over recent weeks, I’ve observed a crime being committed. In broad daylight, in the quaint little village where I reside!
Religiously, ‘round midday this fella walks to the post office. Piously inserts four bits into the newspaper vending machine. Then he pilfers two newspapers!! (ok technically, only One is “pilfered”?).
Isn’t that stealin’?!
I Don’t Know About You..., I wish old man Perry (or my Dad) were still around!!
Cal Teeple, sole member of the Observational Cogitation Consortium may often be found three stools down where he may be ignored, accosted or contacted. Also At: wayneindependent.com/cal Or At: calteeple@g-mail.com.
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If it’s taken ya more than 20 seconds to answer the question, (with only your own conscience) influencing you? Take a break, Obviously, you’re guilty of..., something? Further contemplatin' isn’t gonna assuage your mind (or exonerate your crimes).
Apparently, stealin’ is something you do, have done, (will do?). Hopefully, not while you’re reading this column (or perhaps after?). Nonetheless, you’ve pronounced your own guilt. I’m not interested in the details of your crime(s).
However, it’d be polite (If you’re currently involved) if you moved away from the rest of us. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Remember, this is a rural, small town area! So when you git caught, it’ll be in the newspaper. Then you’re gonna tergiversate! And that’ll embarrass your mother (and the rest of us!).
Me? I don’t steal much. In fact it’s been oh..., 40 years and more since I last purloined anything.
I figure most of my readers don’t either? It’s a well-known fact that newspaper readers are inherently more honest than their less well-informed fellow citizens (ok, I made that up). Undoubtedly some of you have? If only on a double-dog dare.
Like most everyone in our modern (equivocating) society, I don’t take full responsibility for my early forays into villainy? I blame it on an older buddy, who had a car. Having a car meant he (we) could go “cruising”. That meant we had unlimited possibilities to “pick up girls”! But there was a catch (better a “catch” than to get “caught”?).
The “catch” was, one had to have gas for the car. And gas cost money (‘bout 24 cents a gallon back then). Money was always in short supply. And every teenager knows, what little money one has is better spent on movies, burgers and the aforementioned girls.
So my older buddy often spent “time” suckin’ on a syphon hose instead of spending “cash” for gas. He also had a simple philosophy. If you ride, you (help) supply gas. So in the dark of night, I learned about syphon hoses and unlocked gas caps.
I trust you’ll understand why (like all criminals) I don’t take full responsibility for my villainy? After all, I Was led astray by an older, more villainous individual. Equivalent to havin’ a broken home, father who beats ya, poor school attendance, (bad hair) etc. etc., right?!
Lucky for me, we never got caught.
Our (short-lived) crime-spree ended the night my father casually inquired how we, “... could we run the roads, night after night, with no visible means of support...?” (none of us had a job). That innocent (?) observation shocked us back to our senses. Being teenagers we'd never expected an adult (smart enough) to be watchin’ us? Not surprisingly, it “scared us straight”!
Some years earlier there had been a (minor) crime spree at the local dry goods, general store. Ice cream sandwiches, candy bar and cup cake stocks were being depleted much faster than the nickels and dimes were jinglin’ into the big brass cash register. Old man Perry, the stern old proprietor, took due notice of this shortage in cash receipts (surprising us boys).
Why he’d focused in on a small cadre of preteens was a complete mystery (to our small group of preteens). Mighta been ‘cuz six or eight of us young fellers would drop in most afternoons, mill around for ten minutes, then exit empty-handed? Sometimes one of us would actually purchase a snack (we were smooth operators).
Eventually his suspicions coalesced and he (must have) made a few inquiring phone calls? One hot summer afternoon he casually locked the front door to the store (while we were casually millin’ around in back). Then he lined us up and proceeded to conduct a search of our entire group!
By strange coincidence several mothers and one (out of work?) father “just happened” to drop in at the store, same time he completed those searches.
Me? I was found empty-handed and empty-pocketed (Whew! my day to act as “lookout”). But to this day, I still suffer the guilt of my crimes.
Why have I led you down this road of infamy? Because crime is rampant, even in our rural area!
On several occasions over recent weeks, I’ve observed a crime being committed. In broad daylight, in the quaint little village where I reside!
Religiously, ‘round midday this fella walks to the post office. Piously inserts four bits into the newspaper vending machine. Then he pilfers two newspapers!! (ok technically, only One is “pilfered”?).
Isn’t that stealin’?!
I Don’t Know About You..., I wish old man Perry (or my Dad) were still around!!
Cal Teeple, sole member of the Observational Cogitation Consortium may often be found three stools down where he may be ignored, accosted or contacted. Also At: wayneindependent.com/cal Or At: calteeple@g-mail.com.
