Some of you might recall a couple “related” columns I wrote last year? They represented a serious, scholarly treatise on (my) colonoscopy.
I’d direct those of you who missed ‘em to the Independents web site “archives” of my columns to read ‘em (strictly for your edification). However, someone didn’t post both of ‘em (one of ‘em anyway?) in those archives!? So..., while readin’ the one, would certainly whet your appetite? Missin’ the other one would likely be such a letdown, I won’t recommend that?
Nevertheless, I’m about to pass along some important additional insight into another medical (torture) procedure you’re likely to be subjected to, particularly if you’re past fifty. For those of you under fifty? One day (especially you guys) yer gonna recall this warning, (er, “informative column”).
Keep in mind, I am not a doctor, nurse, hospital janitor or any other kind of medicinal marvel. All the same, I will (attempt to) be more truthful (graphic) than they often are (aren’t).
Now, you’ll need some rudimentary understanding of the words “gram or grams”. Not to worry! Even though there are a great many confusing, often (purposely) misleading uses of those little words? Particularly by our modern “medical community” (and our law enforcement community!). I still believe I can help you with that understanding.
First of all, this does not involve any of your relatives.
Even though we’ve all got (had?) our own, “Gram”? It still remains merely an affectionate contraction of several words we lovingly affix to our gramma, grammie, grandma, grandmammas. All representing the more grammatically proper “Grandmother”.
So put that right out of your mind.
I also realize, in our present-day society it’s not uncommon for one to see the word “gram” and automatically associate it with drugs (in small quantities). Certainly this emanates from todays contemporary news account usage. For example, “... upon being searched, she was found to be concealing a small amount of the drug, approximately 425.5 “grams” behind her ear...”
Law enforcement folks (and the medical community) still persist in discussing drugs and procedures in terms that utilize the “metric system” of measurements (officially discontinued by our government!).
They foster this penchant for obfuscation (usin’ big and/or meaningless words) ‘cuz it helps them appear important. And at the same time, not only keeps you from actually knowin’ what they’re talking about..., but in the case of doctors (or lawyers), what they’re about to do to you!
Like today, while I conferred with my doctors about a procedure “we” were about to undertake. They like to use the “plural” form in discussin’ medical procedures (but it was “me” who was about to git procedured upon!).
Seems several of ‘em had recently conferred (without me) about some blood test abnormalities of mine? Which had led to some ultrasound abnormalities. Which ultimately led to their belief that I should join a small (but growing) group of folks who could thereafter add a shiny new “Gram” to our vocabulary!
Cystometrogram: “Cysto-metro-gram”.
Because of my inherited kidney maladies that first part, “cyst” rang a bell. But the next part had me wonderin' if it might have to do with some “new male” terminology? Even being a country boy, I’d heard the term “metro sexual male” (and I started sweatin’). The final part, “gram”, made me think of drugs and how they might be wantin’ to examine behind my ears (like my first “Gram” use to do)?
Trust me when I say, it turned out much worse than any of that!
I don’t believe I need go further (for you guys) than to say (in medical terminology) it involves electrical contacts, a nurse, an’ rubber tubes inserted into both “goes-outas” down in your “nether regions”.
I Don’t Know About You..., In the future, I’ll learn all the medical terminology, before mumblin’, “...Whatever you think, Doc...”.
Cal Teeple, Observational Cogitation Consortium founder, may be found three stools down. Or At: www.wayneindependent.com/cal Also At: calteeple@gmail.com He may ignored, contacted or accosted in all three.
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Related Stories
Some of you might recall a couple “related” columns I wrote last year? They represented a serious, scholarly treatise on (my) colonoscopy.
I’d direct those of you who missed ‘em to the Independents web site “archives” of my columns to read ‘em (strictly for your edification). However, someone didn’t post both of ‘em (one of ‘em anyway?) in those archives!? So..., while readin’ the one, would certainly whet your appetite? Missin’ the other one would likely be such a letdown, I won’t recommend that?
Nevertheless, I’m about to pass along some important additional insight into another medical (torture) procedure you’re likely to be subjected to, particularly if you’re past fifty. For those of you under fifty? One day (especially you guys) yer gonna recall this warning, (er, “informative column”).
Keep in mind, I am not a doctor, nurse, hospital janitor or any other kind of medicinal marvel. All the same, I will (attempt to) be more truthful (graphic) than they often are (aren’t).
Now, you’ll need some rudimentary understanding of the words “gram or grams”. Not to worry! Even though there are a great many confusing, often (purposely) misleading uses of those little words? Particularly by our modern “medical community” (and our law enforcement community!). I still believe I can help you with that understanding.
First of all, this does not involve any of your relatives.
Even though we’ve all got (had?) our own, “Gram”? It still remains merely an affectionate contraction of several words we lovingly affix to our gramma, grammie, grandma, grandmammas. All representing the more grammatically proper “Grandmother”.
So put that right out of your mind.
I also realize, in our present-day society it’s not uncommon for one to see the word “gram” and automatically associate it with drugs (in small quantities). Certainly this emanates from todays contemporary news account usage. For example, “... upon being searched, she was found to be concealing a small amount of the drug, approximately 425.5 “grams” behind her ear...”
Law enforcement folks (and the medical community) still persist in discussing drugs and procedures in terms that utilize the “metric system” of measurements (officially discontinued by our government!).
They foster this penchant for obfuscation (usin’ big and/or meaningless words) ‘cuz it helps them appear important. And at the same time, not only keeps you from actually knowin’ what they’re talking about..., but in the case of doctors (or lawyers), what they’re about to do to you!
Like today, while I conferred with my doctors about a procedure “we” were about to undertake. They like to use the “plural” form in discussin’ medical procedures (but it was “me” who was about to git procedured upon!).
Seems several of ‘em had recently conferred (without me) about some blood test abnormalities of mine? Which had led to some ultrasound abnormalities. Which ultimately led to their belief that I should join a small (but growing) group of folks who could thereafter add a shiny new “Gram” to our vocabulary!
Cystometrogram: “Cysto-metro-gram”.
Because of my inherited kidney maladies that first part, “cyst” rang a bell. But the next part had me wonderin' if it might have to do with some “new male” terminology? Even being a country boy, I’d heard the term “metro sexual male” (and I started sweatin’). The final part, “gram”, made me think of drugs and how they might be wantin’ to examine behind my ears (like my first “Gram” use to do)?
Trust me when I say, it turned out much worse than any of that!
I don’t believe I need go further (for you guys) than to say (in medical terminology) it involves electrical contacts, a nurse, an’ rubber tubes inserted into both “goes-outas” down in your “nether regions”.
I Don’t Know About You..., In the future, I’ll learn all the medical terminology, before mumblin’, “...Whatever you think, Doc...”.
Cal Teeple, Observational Cogitation Consortium founder, may be found three stools down. Or At: www.wayneindependent.com/cal Also At: calteeple@gmail.com He may ignored, contacted or accosted in all three.
