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Wayne Independent - Honesdale, PA
  • The deadliest assault weapons known to man

  • Last week “The Company” sent me to Chicago, home to Al Capone and manufactures of ammunition for assault weapons. It was ironic the lady from TSA at the airport doing the body X-rays laughed at my Speedo yet ignored the two assault weapons I held above my head.
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  • Last week "The Company" sent me to Chicago, home to Al Capone and manufactures of ammunition for assault weapons. It was ironic the lady from TSA at the airport doing the body X-rays laughed at my Speedo yet ignored the two assault weapons I held above my head.
    While in Chicago I decided to seek out one of "The Families" for ammunition. I could get ammunition from any of "The Families."
    "The Families" are everywhere in Chicago and conveniently located if you know where to look or have access to Google. Minalti's, Gandolfo, Santulo. Aurelio, and Giordano. They all had what I was looking for.
    I decided on the Minalti's. A tip from a fellow company man was all I needed.
    In a shameful impression of Marlon Brando from The Godfather he said, "Lou Minalti's has everything you need. Tell them "Timmy the Tongue" sent you."
    I was not sure what to expect so I called a cab and took my body guards "Johnny The Belt" and "Kelly Two Times" with me. Kelly was in from Rochester and this was her second trip to Chicago, hence her name. I knew she could be trusted. I was not sure about "Johnny The Belt." Lack of tobacco had made him jittery. Smoking is illegal unless you stand outside. 8 degrees below zero kept "Johnny the Belt" confined to the hotel quite a bit. I would have to keep an eye on that one.
    We arrived at Lou Minalti's and met up with Bill "The Caporegime" Feld. I believe he was an Englishman. He knew his ammunition well and for that he ranked high in the Minalti family.
    Depending on how much you spent, each magazine of ammunition came with as few as 4 rounds and as many as 16. In a few minutes we had what we came for. We each decided personal magazines containing 4 rounds would be enough to get the job done. We loaded our weapons, pointed them to our heads and pulled the triggers. The wedge shaped projectiles entered our mouths and our eyes went wide with pleasure.
    "Curse you Chicago Deep Dish Pizza!"
    In spite of everything, I still lost a pound this week. Lou Minalti's was a great place and I will order from them again from the convenience of my New York home. The two assault weapons at the end of my arms now have another source of ammunition as well as the knowledge that you can eat anything and still lose weight if it is done in moderation. This includes the best damn pizza in the world.
    Thank you Lou Minalti's for a wonderful evening. The experience was worth the weight!
    Next week: Going number two in an elevator.
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